What Your Spouse Wants You to Know About Valentine's Day--Thinking Outside the Heart-Shaped Box

In college, my best friend and I always called it Singles Awareness Day, laughing at how hard it was to watch happy couples floating around on clouds of chocolate, balloons, and roses every year.  How could we have known how boring red roses can get after a few years of true love?  If you're tired of the same old thing, here are a few ideas to make Valentine's Day fun and romantic again.

Husbands--Preparation Shows Love

It's sad but true: Valentine's Day was, in fact, invented by a greeting card company so they could sell more stuff, and it's easy to fell cynical and get in the habit of jumping through hoops just so your wife won't feel sad or neglected.  But instead of sighing over the how the price of flowers and movie tickets go up every year, ask yourself: Why do you celebrate Valentine's Day at all?  You're not trying to stay out of the doghouse--you're trying to have fun with your favorite person and strengthen your relationship with her. 

Get proactive about your gifts and the date you plan.  Your wife will feel treasured when you put in advance time and planning to do something special, and you'll be surprised how much more fun it is than just following your February 14 formula.  Talk to her about what she would like, and then be creative.

The basic concept behind a great gift or date is to remember great memories together or to make new memories, Gabby Turner from The Dating Divas explains.    Did you share a special night under the stars?  Go to thenightsky.com and order a print of that night, from that location.  If you met at a Jazz game, surprise her with tickets.  Get a hood ornament from the make and model of your car that died on the honeymoon, and turn it into a key ring.  Organize old photos of your dating years into a scrapbook.  Frame your wedding certificate.  Take her to the temple for sealings and then to her favorite restaurant. 

"Some of our most popular things are the Year of Dates Kit... and Love Letter of the Month prompts," Turner says of her website, which focuses on making fun dating easy for married couples.  These gifts keep giving all year long as they help you have fun together and strengthen the relationship.  A coupon book is another great option for the woman who has it all. 

Still stumped?  There's no shame in doing a little research!  A half hour of searching and a half hour of preparation willl avail you of some of the most fun you've ever had together.  Remember, advance planning is where most guys fumble.  Don't become a statistic.

Wives--Take the Pressure Off

If you've never been disappointed on Valentine's Day, I don't believe you exist.  This year, give your husband (and yourself) the gift of a carefree night together by communicating clearly and helping with planning. 

You may think you're communicating clearly when you say, "Whatever you think will be fine," but this is the stuff husbands' nightmares are made of.  If you really do love a dozen red roses, tell him so.  if you'd love for him to put his woodworking skills to work, tell him exactly what you'd like him to make.  Husbands hate hints almost as much as they hate the cold shoulder on February 15, so cut the guy some slack and say exactly what you mean. 

You've likely seen more romantic comedies than your husband would care to count.  Be careful not to try and fit him into that box.

If it's your turn to plan the date this year, ditch the dinner reservations and surprise your husband with something more up his alley.  "What constitutes a good gift or a good time depends on love language and family of origin traditions," says Mark Clayton, a licensed clinical social worker specializing in marriage and family counseling.  You want to try and think outside of your box but inside of your spouse's box." 

A beautifully crafted, themed date complete with color-coordinated gift wrapping and decor may be what you'd hope he'd do for you--but he's hoping you'll plan a fun game for the bedroom instead.  Again, there are a million resources online ranging from super easy to more adventurous.  Shake it up and make it fun for both of you.

Couples--Celebrate Your Way

Remember, Valentine's Day is all about connecting with the one you love, so ditch the Hollywood version and infuse it with all the fun and personality you share as a couple.  You might find it's your favorite holiday after all.

Originally posted on LDSLiving.com on February 9, 2018 under my pseudonym, Kari Monet.

4 Ways to Help when a Loved One is Depressed

I seem to be between battles in this lifelong war with depression, thanks be to God, which gives me the time and energy to help other fighters.  In a strange role-reversal, I have often lately found myself the caretaker of one who for years has looked after me.  Often I’ve had to call to mind what she has done for me, so I can do it for her.

I thought you might like a few pointers, and I even made up an awesome mnemonic device to help you remember these steps. (Yes, I’m very pleased with myself.)  PLAN!

P is for Pray

Prayer has been my lifeline through years of this illness, but maybe not in the way you’d think.  When you’re depressed, it can be difficult to feel the Spirit or receive any comfort—even when investing the time to study, pray and worship.  Still, I have come out of these years with a burning testimony that prayer works. 

When I'm in danger of drowning in despair, I call on my primary caretakers to pray for me; it always makes a difference.  My burden gets lighter, or I get stronger, or I see evidence of the Lord’s love.  Almost immediately.  Take the time to pray faithfully over your loved one who is struggling.  Pray specifically for blessings sought on his or her behalf.  During the day when you are reminded of the struggle, instead of worrying, take just a moment to pray in your heart. 

L is for Listen

Some of the greatest healing comes when someone is willing to sit and listen without judgement.  Hold your loved one and ask questions.  Allow them, even encourage them to cry—thinking of tears as a cleansing agent, a way for pain to exit the body so your loved one feels lighter.

Listening to someone dealing with depression can be confusing sometimes, because our logic is often skewed by our feelings.  Resist the temptation to correct thinking that you see as clouded judgement.  There are times for advice, but we all listen better when we feel we’ve really been heard.  Save it for when your loved one has the strength to hear and take counsel.

A is for Advocate

When the time is right, be an advocate for your loved one by helping her find the next step in her healing process.  Know what helps her individually and help her to do it.  Know what helps others and when she’s stuck, get her moving in that direction.  This takes research, talking, listening, thinking, counseling, watching and especially praying.  And then comes the pushing.  Depression can cloud our judgement and impair our ability to act—which often stymies even the best intentions for progress; so if you have earned the trust of someone who’s been struggling, be a strong voice for the next step.  Help them call a therapist.  Point out flawed thinking, especially as regards their own worth and value.  Help them find the right medication.  Get out and exercise with them.  They will thank you for it, right after they finish whining. 

N is for New Thinking

In most relationships, the more you put in, the more you get out.  In other words, you may be accustomed to seeing real results every time you invest in a person you love.  However, if you’re the primary caretaker of someone struggling with depression—that is, if you are the person closest to them—you may feel a sense of hopelessness and futility when even your best efforts can’t get so much as a smile.

Think long-game here.  It’s extremely important to be able to give as much as you can and trust God with the rest.  Sometimes you won’t see any immediate results, but that doesn’t mean your efforts are wasted.  Your goal is not to change circumstances anymore, but simply to be there and give support.  Start measuring success by how much love and effort you’ve invested.  At the end of the day, give yourself a pat on the back just for being fully present and helping as much as you can.  Lather, rinse, repeat.

As Elder Holland famously taught,

“Don’t assume you can fix everything, but fix what you can.  If those are only small victories, be grateful for them and be patient.  Dozens of times in the scriptures, the Lord commands someone to ‘stand still’ or ‘be still’—and wait.  Patiently enduring some things is part of our mortal education.”

God bless you patient spouses, siblings, parents and friends.  As I said, I’m new to this caretaking business, but I’ve watched my loved ones master the art over years and years of patient loving care.  They have, perhaps, saved my life.  They have definitely made it worthwhile.  God bless you for being there and sharing the burden.  

I Make the Living Worthwhile--Part II

Hello, friends.  I feel like every time I write, I'm full of an awesome new plan for my life and telling you all about how great it's going to be...then I forget to share how it actually turns out--and come back months later with my NEW new plan.

So just by way of an update--and also an acknowledgement of all the great excuses I have for not writing--here's my life in just a few words.

Having the kids in school has been heavenly.  I know, I must either be crazy now or I was crazy to home school for four years.  The truth is halfway between, I suspect.  I'm just a little crazy all the time.  Happier, now, though, and so I suspect that I wasn't quite cut out for it after all.  No regrets, of course, we all learned so much and in a way I think it was meant to be.  But I'm glad to have my house to myself now, and six glorious hours of quiet every day.

I have less free time than I thought I would, which will come as no surprise to those of you who told me so.  I am busy with housework and helping loved ones for most of the day, leaving a little bit left over for my own fun projects.  My home is prettier and better-organized than it was four months ago.  I spend more time in the temple, more time exercising, and yes, more time reading and napping.  And I've been investing a lot more time in my writing--just not here, but I'll tell you all about it when I have something to tell. 

Also, my latest antidepressant is doing a good job.  Not perfect, of course, but I'm in better shape mentally than I've been in a very long time.  I'll forever be grateful for the amazing care of my therapist, doctor, and especially my loved ones.

I hope you, too, have someone to watch over you in times of trouble.  Thanks for reading.