Choosing to See

What I Had to do Before I Could See Christ in My Troubled Past   


Since the family pictures have fled with all their cheer and beauty to Instagram lately, this blog has experienced a bit of an existential crisis.  Why did I write here and why did you read here?  Do I continue my ruminations on what pain means to a woman of faith?  I guess part of the reason I've been silent lately is because my story has expanded from the lonely battle of depression to the wider war of family dysfunction--and I don't know how much of that you need or even want to know.

But I'm still here and the major theme of pain through the lense of faith persists in my life.  I assume it persists in yours as well, or you would not be brave enough to keep coming back.

And so as long as this soapbox of mine continues to bear my weight, you will still see me here, whining just as little as I can, but mostly sharing my hope of a better world to come.  This blog is a love song to my perfect Savior, and so...I write.

.     .     .

If you've missed the basic outline of my last eighteen months, and just so you can have some context, here it is.  My brother admitted to a major pornography addiction, left his wife, and left the church. My parents separated, then divorced.  My dysfunctional relationship with Dad has painfully exploded into complete rupture.  The counseling I've resorted to in order to help me cope has sometimes been a cocoon of validation and support, but more frequently a brutally painful opening and scrubbing of old wounds so that they can heal properly.  And the past year has been very physically painful as I've battled chronic pain and tension in my neck and shoulders, which no amount of medication, yoga, exercise, massage, chiropractic care, or physical therapy seems able to touch.

There is a lot of good news, though.  I've won a lot of battles with anxiety and depression this year because of all the great therapy, medication, and especially love and support from family and friends. My kids have thrived in their new Montessori School, alleviating my responsibility to home school them and also the guilt that I would have struggled with if they didn't love their school.  My relationships with TJ, the kids, my mom and my siblings have grown in intimacy and joy--more, I think, than they ever could have without these struggles to pull us together.  I spend hours and hours every week connecting with my loved ones as we do everything from Muppet movies to serious discussions about our feelings and our lives.  The adults in my family have given me the most important validation, counsel, feedback, and support, despite my excellent professional counselor.  And I'm learning to make friends for the first time since college, fighting my way out of the self-imposed isolation and loneliness depression often brings.  Girl friends!  Thanks for loving me even though I have no social skills.

.     .     .

I suppose the best news of all is what you hoped it would be.  My testimony of Jesus Christ becomes brighter and more hopeful as time passes and I learn more fully what he has done and continues to do for me.

As I said, I've had to revisit some very painful facts about my childhood, and there have been some very dark times when I've wondered where God was when I was suffering so much.  Those who enjoyed relatively healthy childhoods will struggle to understand this, but examining my past has brought home the painful reality that I'm not sure God loves me--and the closer my therapist has helped/forced me to look at the painful circumstances of my childhood, the more this wound has hurt. It's not the age-old philosophic debate, if God existed he would not allow so much pain in this world. It's worse than that: He does exist and He is full of love, but he doesn't love me--or I would have felt his love during that dark time.  

One of the most painful and lingering effects of childhood abuse is that it can be difficult and even impossible to believe in a loving Heavenly Father.  Feeling unloved and unlovable is also a classic symptom of depression.  And this can rec havoc on our faith.  It's a pretty awful irony--those of us who feel unloved by parents will also struggle to feel God's love.

I listened to a podcast recently featuring Deborah Pegues, who wrote "Forgive, Let Go, and Live," and identified so much with her story.  My heart especially resonated with what she said about facing the fact that God has allowed our suffering.

"First of all, you understand that everything that has happened in your life--this is a hard one--God saw it before it happened.  He saw it before it happened and He saw it while it was happening.  And He could've stopped it.  That has been a big pill to swallow.  God saw that.  He could've stopped it.  So it must gonna be something that's gonna work together for my good ultimately...I'm gonna grow.  Something good is gonna happen.  If you don't take a divine perspective towards that kind of pain, you're gonna get stuck in it. You're gonna say, "It shouldn't have happened."  And it probably "shouldn't have happened," but in His divine providence, God knows..."All the days ordained for me were already written in His book."  Not the good days, the bad days, too.  And so, yes, I can relax.  So I'm gonna choose how I remember this...When you walk by faith, at some point, you gotta start abandoning the "why" and just say, "it did and that I'm gonna trust God."
I like what Joseph said when his brothers came to him.  And you know the story, how he was sold into slavery and they came and they knew they were mean to him and they said, "Forgive us, we're sorry."  And he said, "Listen, you meant it for bad, but God meant it for good."  

I've been grieving this year, hard.  I have been shedding a lifetime of bottled up tears.  I have been kneading and beating on my grief like a big wad of bread dough, trying to pound out my anger and expel my pain.  It's been necessary, completely awful emotional work to say goodbye to the blessings denied me over all these years of  life.  And even through this latest installment of pain, I've asked Him, "where were you all those years?  and where are you now?"

I planned on wearing this t-shirt for a picture in a canyon
just for you guys.  I didn't plan on waking up feeling alone
and unloved on the day of the trip--and I almost didn't go.
Yet the combination of a favorite t-shirt and God's glorious
creation tuned me right in to his love.  Not always that simple,
sadly.  But sometimes it is.  

So this painful, painful year has been very much about forcing me to face The Big Question: does my painful past prove that He doesn't love me, or is it just the opposite? Emotionally this year would look like a V on a bar graph, with my grieving over all I've lost, feeling abandoned and forgotten, and generally unloading a lifetime of repressed sorrow.  Down toward the bottom of the V, I was still hanging on to some kind of hope that Heavenly Father loved me, but it was very academic at that point.  My whole life is based on the assumption, the trust, that it's true, but I needed to know.  And so God has been teaching me in real time that the hardest trials are proof of his love, because this, the hardest of years, has taken me to the nadir that I needed to reach in order to be ready to believe.  I had to climb to the bottom of the canyon before I could ascend the mountain on the other side.  And God let me do it, because it was part of his plan for me to feel the joy that can only come when we're willing to face our fears down.

I reached the bottom of that canyon, and I'm climbing up the other side now.  The height of the mountain will crown me with sure knowledge of my Father in Heaven's love, but for now it's just wonderful to take step after step up into the sunshine.

My sense of how much Heavenly Father loves me has deepened as I have looked back over my troubled past and have seen the multitude of tender mercies He gave to me.  My vision has cleared , and now when I look back on the pain of my past, I see that Father in Heaven tempered my troubles. He cleared dangerous obstacles out of my path and saved me from many snares.  He sent care packages, always at the right time: teachers, friends, mentors, siblings, great books and beautiful music--to inspire me, give me hope and joy, and to teach me about a beautiful life just out of reach but worth hoping for.

But the most important thing he did was to provide a Savior.  My Savior redeemed me from my many follies and mistakes, making me worthy through his grace of the Comforter.  He gave me hope for a bright future in the company of the most loving Father a girl could have.  And at great personal cost, Heavenly Father allowed his precious son to suffer with me.  

I have come to know that I never cried alone.  That sad little girl who has always lived in my memory as very alone and unloved--had her Savior beside her, helping her bear her burden, comforting her, protecting her from trauma that would have undone her, and this is the most important part, crying with her.

Elder Merrill J. Bateman's words on the Atonement have helped me come to this new understanding of my painful past.  He said,

For many years I thought of the Savior's experience in the garden and on the cross as places where a large mass of sin was heaped upon Him.  Through the words of Alma, Abinidi, Isaiah, and other prophets, however, my view has changed.  Instead of an impersonal mass of sin, there was a long line of people, as Jesus felt "our infirmities" (Heb. 4:15), "[bore] our griefs,...carried our sorrows,,,[and] was bruised for our iniquities."  (Isa. 53:4-5).

The memories have gone from bitter to semi-sweet, because that image has changed.  I wasn't alone. He literally shared my pain, felt it in its entirety for as long as I was feeling it.  He experienced the full magnitude of it not only so he could help me heal, but really for the same reason my earthly angels do--because He loves me.  He loves me enough to suffer with me.

My trials will continue to refine me, and I will still struggle to feel loved sometimes, but I'm climbing up into a safer and surer knowledge that feeling alone is not the same as being alone.  My Heavenly Father and my Savior lavish me with more love every day than I can even conceive.  Especially when I'm in pain.  

Humble Pie, Part II

As my marvelous cousin said, "Eat organic, take your meds!"  This is my new motto, and since it's such a reversal for me, I'm glad that humble pie goes down easier with a good antidepressant.   

I've been thinking about all the reasons that have prevented me from taking an anti-depressant all these years.  I started the excavation of all those ideas in my first Humble Pie post, but there were a lot more.  They were always so nebulous, but a phone conversation with a trusted friend helped me crystallize my thinking and I came out feeling that I knew myself better.  I'll share my thoughts with you if you promise not to laugh at me for being a weirdo.

Identity

I'm starting with this one because it's probably the one that startled me the most when I heard it coming out of my mouth.  I've been dealing with the illness so long and have been so open about it, that I have really started to identify myself as a depressed person who makes the best of it.  The love and positive feedback I get from friends about how bravely I face this challenge has become a bit of an addiction.  My inner martyr just loves the attention.  Could it be, I wondered, that I'm so content with the counterfeit happiness of praise, that I'm actually not willing so seek healing anymore?  I know.  It's so sick.  

My second identity question has a little more credence.  There have been so many real and wonderful compensatory blessings flowing from this disease.  As Ether 12:27 teaches, this weakness brings me to my knees over and over, teaches me humility every day, gives me gratitude for those who help me, and keeps me from forgetting how pathetically dependent I am on the Lord's grace.  I wondered where all those blessings would go if my struggle with depression ended. In the end, I had faith in the adversary to present me with plenty of opportunities for humility and growth.  That's his job, not mine.  


Diagnosis

"There should be a blood test," my friend told me, and she's absolutely right.  Depression is such a subjective thing.  I was diagnosed with depression after a couple of sessions with an LCSW.  I told my doctor, who will prescribe anything I ask him for, that I wanted an antidepressant, and he really didn't even ask me any questions before scribbling my prescription.  What if I'm not really depressed?  What if I'm too lazy to create lasting happiness, or too negative and ungrateful to see my blessings?  

I grew up laughing at people who need a pill to feel good, at a society that over-prescribes pharmaceuticals.  Doesn't everyone suffer?  Why should I be different?

I believe this paradygm has kept some of my dearest loved ones from seeking treatment, and I've thought all these years I was smarter than that--truthfully it's been influencing me anyway.  

But when I'm honest with myself, if a doctor told me I was not depressed, that I was just too lazy or too negative--I would know he was wrong.  I know the truth about who I am and what I struggle with.  And that's enough for me now.  I don't have to prove myself to anyone.


Existential

"Existential" being the only one-word title I could come up with that conveys the idea that I'm depressed because I deserve to be depressed. 

This one was tough to pinpoint, because it goes against everything Jesus Christ wants me to know about myself.  But it's been there all the time anyway, subtly and constantly influencing my decisions for my whole life.  

I don't remember ever feeling like I was good enough, even when I was very, very young.  I've only ever seen my failings and weaknesses, and so when things go wrong in my life, I'm not really surprised.  It kind of seems like if I could just be a better person, I'd be happier.  And so I try harder, I run faster, I pray longer, and when I'm still unhappy it's just another failure.

Depression is so very difficult to distinguish from spiritual problems.  We talk every week in church about how unhappy we are when we're not living gospel principles.  And so if happiness is not a good yardstick for worthiness, then what is?  

I'm working on this one, and I don't have all the answers yet.  But I'm trying to take my worthiness on the word of those who know me best: my bishop, my parents, my siblings, my friends, my wonderful husband.  Heavenly Father, too, makes contact once every ten years or so to tell me what I'm really worth to Him--and I treasure those experiences with all my heart.

And what if my depression does stem in some part from some of my own bad choices?  Does Heavenly Father want me to punish myself by not seeking treatment?  Of course He doesn't.  He wants me to repent. He wants me to trust in Christ's grace to make me clean.  He wants me to be as happy as I can.

If my sister were in my shoes, I'd tell her to be nice to herself.  So I finally decided to cut myself some slack.  I decided to assume the best about myself and to get the treatment that might just lift my burden.  I finally decided to be kind to myself.



And for those of you still reading and just dying to know how my medication is working--haha!--it's working great.  It took five whole weeks to kick in, and then one Sunday, I felt normal and cautiously optimistic.  Then I had a normal Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday and so on until today.  I feel whole and well.

I still cry sometimes--my family is still in turmoil and there's still grieving to get through--but I only cry for good reasons now, and I don't carry the constant weight of despair.  I feel emotionally sound and strong.  And that's way more valuable than my pride, any day.  

Wellbutrin Tastes like Humble Pie

I hope you like the title, because I'm pretty in love with it myself.  It doesn't match the tone of this post, though, so if you're in the mood for witty observations, I'm not your girl.  In fact, I want to take this moment to say that I'm sorry for being a little too chipper sometimes.  To be perfectly clear: I'm messed up.  What you read here is the healthiest, most positive, shining version of Kari, cheerleading her sad little heart to the finish line--and it's funny that I chose that metaphor, because I find cheerleaders annoying.  The nature of blogging is such that you see me on my best days and not my worst. The idea that anyone might think I have all the answers is too ridiculous for words, especially given the awful state I've been in lately.

Even accounting for the grief I'm still going through, which I consider a separate matter, I'm in pretty tough shape.  Anxiety, hopelessness, frustration, guilt, and deep inadequacy are my constant companions these days.  I spend a lot of time crying, avoiding, hiding, being mean, begging for forgiveness, and watching lame Youtube videos.

My therapist recommended medication, which idea I rejected out of hand.  The whole idea behind seeking counseling in the first place, was to do the cognitive work that would help me heal without the use of antidepressants.  After all, I am the cheerleader of drug-free depression here.  Please don't stop reading.  I hate what I just wrote, too.

I experienced a lot of relief when I took Zoloft about ten years ago.  After awhile, it started losing its effectiveness, and the side effects were bugging, so I went off and tried one or two other medications with no success.  Finally I sought out other options, such as light therapy and exercise, which have been huge for me.  So huge that I write about them here all the time.  But back to why I didn't like my counselor's suggestion that I start on an antidepressant while continuing my cognitive therapy--why was my goal to heal without the use of antidepressants?  Shouldn't my goal just be to heal?

So I've been digging into all my reasons for not taking an antidepressant, and finding most of them to be irrational.  I've found so much food for thought that I'm sure this post is just the first of many.  But I think one of my biggest obstacles to taking medication is my perception that it would just mask my symptoms without addressing the underlying causes of the disease.  To consider the possibility that medication may just be my very best method of treatment for the rest of my life, feels like giving up on real healing.  But here's the thing: all these years I've been trying to get to the root or cause of the depression and fix it.  It must be that my body needs more light in the winter.  It must be that I have unresolved issues from my childhood.  It must be that I need more exercise.  All these things are probably true, but years of attacking the problem from that angle have brought only limited success.  Maybe the "root" really is the chemical imbalance, and I'll be better-equipped to address peripheral attacks on my sanity if I can just get the baseline right.

I started Wellbutrin yesterday.  After all I've written here about beating depression the hard way, I feel like you deserve to be the first to know.  I believe in the easy way, too, if it can be called that.  Facing the very real stigmas still associated with antidepressants isn't easy.  The exhaustive search for the medication that will work for your body isn't easy.  Dealing with side effects isn't easy.  Really, out of all the steps I've taken to beat depression, this may end up being the hardest.  Isn't that just classic depressed thinking--I'll seek medical attention only after I've exhausted every other possible hope for healing.

So here I go, trying another option.  I really hope you find me here in a few weeks telling you how well it's working.  I remember the way the world's weight rolled off my shoulders when I started Zoloft, and I long for that relief.  I remember feeling truly myself for the first time in years: like I didn't have to fake being me anymore. I know that finding the right medication can be a journey.  In fact, from my experience and observations I may well be dealing with this illness for the rest of my life.  Oh, how I long for the permanent healing that will come when I arise to meet the Lord!  Until then, it's my job to cope and to hope.  Maybe I won't have to wait that long.  

Bearing Depression...Cheerfully

I know my title is hilarious.  In fact, the whole premise of this post is a little outlandish, so if you're not able to stomach it today, I totally respect that.  But this is something I've been thinking of a lot for the past few months, and I'm excited to explore it here with you.

Just about every time adversity comes up in the church, it comes with the exhortation to "bear it well" or to "endure cheerfully."  Our beloved President Hinckley used to tell us to "cultivate an attitude of happiness."  And strangely, if you suffer from clinical depression, these words of encouragement can sound like rebukes, and can even exacerbate classic symptoms, such as low self-worth, hopelessness, inadequacy, and guilt.

What is the meaning of bearing your trial cheerfully when the very definition of your trial is a clinical inability to feel cheer?  Does it mean pulling yourself up by your boostraps each day?  Because most of us have done plenty of that.  And to tell the truth, that's where this blog post was headed originally, because I consider myself pretty good at "bootstrapping."  After all, the dark thoughts and feelings I struggle with would alienate me from most people in the world if I shared them as constantly as I felt them.  This disease requires a good filter or it will spread. 

But there's a difference between putting on a happy face--which is actually an essential skill whether you suffer from mental illness or not--and showing true cheer.

First, let's look carefully at what cheer means in an LDS context, because when I think of cheer, I tend to think of skipping down the road singing "Zippidee Doo Dah."  (And to be clear, I think we could all use a lot more of that song in our lives.)

But does the Lord require skipping and singing on the toughest days of our lives, even figuratively? President Thomas S. Monson's 2009 talk, "Be of Good Cheer," provides a window to our answer.

How might we have joy in our lives, despite all we may face...'Wherefore, be of good cheer, and do not fear, for I the Lord am with you, and will stand by you.'  The history of the Church in this, the dispensation of the fullness of times, is replete with the experiences of those who have struggled and yet who have remained steadfast and of good cheer as they have made the gospel of Jesus Christ the center of their lives. This attitude is what will pull us through whatever comes our way.  It will not remove our troubles from us but rather will enable us to face our challenges, to meet them head on, and to emerge victorious.  Too numerous to mention are the examples of all the individuals who have faced difficult circumstances and yet who have prevailed because their faith in the gospel and in the Savior has given them the strength they have needed.  (Emphasis added.) 

President Monson goes on to describe the harrowing experience of a German mother who mourned the loss of her husband and her home, and who walked many miles in the freezing cold with her four small children, whom she lost to starvation and cold, one by one.  Her despair almost drove her to take her own life.

Does this sound like good cheer to you?  Then why on earth did our prophet and seer even bring it up?  Look again at the quote.  He defines cheer a little differently.  He defines cheer as an attitude of faith that allows us to face great challenges and emerge victorious.  And our German sister did exemplify this cheer, this faith, in just the way that we can, yes, even those of us whose minds aren't working quite right.  President Monson shares her conversation with God during that terrible time:

Dear Heavenly Father, I do not know how I can go on.  I have nothing left--except my faith in Thee.  I feel, Father, amidst the desolation of my soul, an overwhelming gratitude for the atoning sacrifice of Thy Son, Jesus Christ.  I cannot express adequately my love for Him.  I know that because He suffered and died, I shall live again with my family; that because He broke the chains of death, I shall see my children again and will have the joy of raising them.  Though I do not at this moment wish to live, I will do so, that we may be reunited as a family and return--together--to Thee.

Not too many days later, while still in the advanced stages of starvation, this amazing woman bore testimony that she was the happiest of the exiles because Christ gave her hope for a glorious reunion with her loved ones.

So cheer looks a little different in the toughest times: if it wore a grin, truth would revolt and the Spirit would flee.  When there is death and despair, or when mental illness makes you feel like there is, cheer will look more like sincere and honest prayer.  It will look like reaching, believing, hoping for better times, because Christ is still leading the way.

Let us cultivate faith and hope in Jesus Christ every day.  It might look like "bootstrapping" to people who don't understand, and that's okay.  Because when we let our faith move us out the door to help others in spite of our own pain; when we let hope put smiles on our faces even on tough days; when we keep our hearts open to the possibility of joy--then Christ can do miracles. 

The Breakup

Home school and I have decided to see other people.  It feels like a breakup to me, the kind where you say it's mutual to save face, but you're really being dumped and you're still pathetically in love.

TJ and I have decided to put the younger kids in a Montessori charter school this fall.  Ezra is too old for the charter school and anyway, he loves his online school, so he'll be continuing at home.  Isaiah is old enough for kindergarten, so he'll be going for a half day.  I began exploring the idea of this school mostly because Maria Montessori's ideals line up so closely with my own--but also because my depression has been harder to manage this spring than ever.  The decision was pretty much clinched when I asked the kids if they would like to go to school with their cousins, and they jumped at the idea.

I feel that God is leading me in this new direction: I hope that by lightening my load I can heal and be a happier, better mom and wife.  Paradoxically, the thought of no more home school in my life depresses me beyond all reason.  True to my usual form, I've been indulging in all kinds of what-ifs about how good a job I've been doing at teaching the kids, all kinds of pity parties about the fact that the kids want to leave me, and all kinds of willy-nilly waffling about whether or not I can go through with it. Thankfully and sadly, the kids are still in love with the idea, and they keep me accountable.

Friends and loved ones have been trying to show support during this change, but because in my heart I'm still truly a home school mom, it's hard for me to hear them without feeling judged one way or another.  I end up irrationally defending the institution like a girl who still loves her ex.  Some people express admiration that I tried so hard and for so long to do something that they consider nearly impossible.  They say funny things like "it's good that your kids will get some socialization now," or, "it's just healthy for a mom to have some time to herself every day."  And I listen to the love instead of listening to the words.  Other friends might feel in their hearts that I'm making a mistake--I'm not sure--but they're kind and show support anyway.  And still others have the amazing balanced view that I'm just following the Lord's will for my family as best I can figure it out. It is this self-image, and not the Hero Who Attempted the Impossible, and not the Failure Who Burned Out and Gave Up, that I'm trying to embrace.

I am struggling to reconcile my gospel ideals of fortitude, patience, and perseverance with my current situation.  I feel very much like I'm betraying my home school sisters in this community by walking away.  We stick to it, through thick and through thin--we cheer each other on, confident that if we can just get through the rough patches that occur in all of our lives, our families will thrive and be blessed.  All these past four years I've had so much positive direction from the Lord on my efforts in our home school, and we've had so much joy and success.  It is difficult to believe that he would direct me away from this fertile ground.

I was surprised and uplifted by relevant counsel for my life coming out of dreary old Jacob 5.  As we discussed the olive tree allegory in Sunday School, I was impressed that the Lord grafts his children where he wants them, for their growth and for the growth of the Kingdom.  Callings change, life circumstances change, relationships change, all whether or not we want them to.  The Master Gardener surely has directed this change, and therefore I trust we will still have a bountiful harvest.  

I try to make this a whine-free zone, but today I just need to share where I'm at.

My depression has gone from manageable to unmanageable.  My tricks and hacks and boosts are not getting me above water anymore.  My eyelids are swollen from crying all the time.  I can't sleep.  I can't focus.

I'm going in to see a good therapist sometime soon, to help me manage grief over my recent loss and the attending feelings of stress, anger, and despair.  It feels like a step back, since I felt I graduated from therapy about ten years ago, having sorted out all my negative patterns and beliefs.  And I'm not excited about the work ahead.  Cognitive therapy is a lot like physical therapy after a traumatic injury.  You have to go through a lot of extra pain to ensure proper and permanent healing.

But I know it's a step forward.  I choose healing and hope.  I choose not to hide my condition and let it fester.  I have learned from experience that pain, like Lanston Hughes' "dream deferred," can be a dangerous thing:

What happens to a dream deferred? 

Does it dry up
like a raisin in the sun?
Or fester like a sore--
And then run?
Does it stink like rotten meat?
Or crust and sugar over--
like a syrupy sweet?
Maybe it just sags
like a heavy load
or does it explode?

If you can spare a moment, please pray for me and my loved ones.  And let me know when I can return the favor.  

Sun Touch Plus Giveaway Winner!

Dear friends, thanks so much for sharing my posts on beating depression without meds.  It has been a joy to write them and especially to see them getting out there where they can do some good--thanks to you!

I am so grateful for NatureBright for generously donating a brand new Sun Touch Plus for this giveaway.  It felt wonderful to have their vote of confidence in this venture.  I hope very much that you'll all go out and buy one, if your name isn't...

Lindsey Morris!

Congrats, Lindsey!  I hope the lamp makes your winter brighter in more ways than one!  And again, a thousand thanks to the rest of you for reading and sharing.  It means the world to me.  

Beating Depression in Six Simple Steps: Connect!

This is the last of my series on beating depression without meds!  Thank you for reading, and especially for sharing these posts.  If you still haven't had a chance, please enter my contest by sharing on Facebook and Pinterest, and then letting me know in the comments.  Each share is worth one entry--so if you share all seven articles, you'll be entered fourteen times.   At 9 PM MST on November 8, I will randomly choose the name of one lucky reader for the grand prize: a NatureBright Sun Touch Plus therapy lamp!

It was December 2013, and I was in a state of near-catatonic depression--which is natural for me during the chaos of the holidays.  Parties every night.  Parties all night.  I was so sick and tired of going places all the time, I texted my sister "WHY do people have to plan parties all the time?"

But duty called me to the home school co-op dinner and talent show, where my little class of girls were to perform a few songs we'd learned.  And so, despite a deep longing for my couch and a good book, to the party I went.  TJ jokingly made me the name tag below, and despite my best efforts to pretend I was at home on the couch with a book, I found myself being drawn into a wonderful conversation with the family across the table from me.  Stupid people.  Why do they have to be so interesting?  I'm sitting here being miserable, just let me be miserable.

Over the years, even before reading The Depression Cure, TJ has picked up on the fact that I never want to leave the house when I'm depressed, but that I really should.  I beg.  I plead.  I promise.  And like the wonderful man he is, he reminds me that I always enjoy it and he makes me go.  And, darn it, against my will I always find myself feeling better at the end of the evening than I did at the beginning.  

So it wasn't a huge surprise to find that one of Stephen Ilardi's six steps is get connected socially. Depression and isolation are almost synonymous in the American songbook.  (Cue All by Myself by Celine Dion.)  And we reserve total isolation for the worst criminal offenders in the country.  Human beings simply aren't meant to be alone.

Even a cursory glance at native peoples of the past and present will tell you that we evolved socially.  We hunted, ate, slept, worked, and played together.  But now we do most of our daily activities alone.  This isolation is a by-product of our affluent American society.  As Dr. Ilardi points out, we're willing to sever family ties and move across the country for that high-paying job.  We sacrifice time with family and friends to work longer hours to earn more money. And then we spend that money to buy a bigger house, meaning that even at home with our family--we're alone.

Once again, we find ourselves in a vicious cycle of depression.  Just like any other sickness, depression prompts victims to stay home, focus on healing, and minimize risk to others; how many times have you told yourself you were doing others a favor by keeping yourself and your negativity at home?  But where withdrawal may help fight the common cold, it actually exacerbates depression.  And so we find ourselves feeling worse and even less fit to socialize.  

Luckily for me, I am a part of a strong family and church organization.  Opportunities for social interaction come way more often than my introverted self might prefer.  But some of you might not be so lucky.  Here are some ways to reach out.  I know it can be terrifying, but take a look.

Join up and show up-  Join the city bowling league.  The community choir.  The soup kitchen brigade.  Being involved in something you love will not only provide opportunities to connect with others--it will lift your spirits just to be doing something.  Remember last week? Overcoming rumination is often as simple as getting out and doing something.  Also, being involved in the care of others--even just a pet--can give you a great surge of hope and perspective.  Dr. Illardi highly recommends church because it offers a common purpose and a great deal of love and support from those around you.  Many people refer to others in their congregation as their "church family."  And family is the gold standard for care in times of trouble.

Open up--  Maybe you already have good friends and family members, but you're just not as close as you used to be.  It's common for depression patients to find their most important relationships flagging.  But these relationships can be our greatest sources of help in healing, so it's worth every effort.  Reach out to those closest to you, share your struggle with depression, and educate them on how they can help you stick to your 6 steps.  An excellent suggestion from the book is to pick one or two friends to watch over you, let them know that your condition makes it hard to reach out, and ask them to do the reaching.  If they haven't heard from you in awhile, they should be one showing up on the doorstep with Cafe Rio and a listening ear.  Or gelatto would be fine.  Are you getting all this, St. George friends?  ;)

Be tough and just do it--  When you are faced with the decision of whether or not to reach out, do it.  Perhaps it's going to that pottery class for the first time.  Maybe it's going to a womens' social at church.  Maybe it's calling your mom and letting her chat you out of the dumps. Force yourself to take that step you need to take.  It won't feel like it did in college, when friends were fun.  It will feel hard.  But it gets easier the moment you walk out the door.  And I speak from experience when I say, it'll always make you better.  But it starts by forcing yourself.  Just think of it as medicine that needs to be taken if you want to feel better.  Be a good girl and just take your medicine.

I am full of gratitude for the many friends and family members--especially my rock of a husband--who've loved me through my illness.  Whenever I express my extreme indebtedness they always tell me they are happy to help.  I don't know where they get all their strength for carrying, but I have never.  Ever.  Been sent away empty when I approached a loved one in my time of need.  You have such angels in your life, who are just waiting for the chance to help. Let them help.  They want to and they can.

This is the last of my posts on beating depression without meds, based heavily on Stephen S. Ilardi's The Depression Cure: The 6-Step Program to Beating Depression Without Drugs.  I highly recommend you read the whole book to learn how best to implement this revolutionary program.  

And just so you know...I'm not getting anything from NatureBright or from the publishers of The Depression Cure.  I just get a kick out of helping others beat depression.  Somehow it makes what I go through worthwhile.  Almost.  ;)

Beating Depression in Six Simple Steps: Stop Thinking

This is the sixth of my seven posts on beating depression without meds.  Share any one of my posts in this series on Pinterest and Facebook, and then let me know you've done so by commenting here on the blog.  Each share is worth one entry, so if you share each of the seven articles on both sites, you'll be entered fourteen times.  On November 8, I will draw the name of one lucky reader out of a hat for the grand prize: a NatureBright Sun Touch Plus therapy lamp!

I'm afraid that I'm going to lose you here, but stay with me.  I'm about to tell you to think positive. I know, I know.  I feel like a traitor even writing it, because when people who've never experienced major depression tell me to think positive, I have to bite my tongue.  Otherwise I'll say something snarky about them thinking their way out of heart disease, diabetes, or cancer.

So I know.  This might look like a pep talk you've heard before, but please keep reading.  

Last winter I was really struggling with depression, and because I knew a spiritual lift would do me good, I headed for the temple to do an endowment session.  This meant getting up early so I could be done by the time TJ had to leave for work, but I knew it'd pay off for me.  Only, it didn't.  By the end of the session, I was so distressed that I was crying.  One sweet matron at the front of the room noticed me and was concerned, but luckily I escaped at the end of the session without a Q&A.

What went wrong?

Well, my body was in the endowment session, but because of the quiet and even introspective nature of that ordinance, I had allowed my mind to be totally absent.  Basically I spent the whole hour and a half ruminating on my failures, my fears, my disappointments, and my heartaches.  And that's enough to bring anyone to the brink.

Is rumination playing a big part in your daily battle with depression?  For better or worse, it is.  

A cow ruminates when partially digested material from one of her six stomachs comes back up for more chewing.  It's gross.  But that's the same word we use to describe how we mentally "chew" on something over and over.  This can be gross for our emotional health.  

Don't believe it?  Download the app at https://www.trackyourhappiness.org/ and you'll begin to see that you have opportunities to ruminate all the livelong day--and that your mood corresponds almost directly to what you're thinking.  

There is a great table in Dr. Stephen Ilardi's The Depression Cure that I need you to see:

Think about how little of your attention is commanded by a lot of things you do every day.  If you work construction.  If you work retail.  If you are the mother of small children.  And even if your job is very mentally stimulating, the temptation to ruminate in the car, in the shower, in bed, and even while watching TV or "reading" can be huge.  If you charted your rumination in a day and your corresponding mood during that time, what would your results look like?  The fact is that the more mentally engaged we are with what we are doing--or in spiritual-speak, how well we "live in the moment"--can have a huge impact in our emotional health.  

Like a lot of other mental health concepts, this one operates on a spiral.  Dr. Ilardi explains that our mind's filing system is based on emotion, so when we're feeling low, our mind starts pulling all the files marked with a frowny face and replaying them for us.  So helpful.  It's like, "I remember the last time I felt this terrible, was when I had that huge fight with Mom.  Almost as bad as when the baby was in the hospital for ten days.  Which reminds me, I only have ten days to get ready for Cindy's baby shower and I just know it's going to be a huge failure.  Just like always."  Thanks, brain.  Now I feel even worse.

The trick with this spiral is to push back enough that you're headed up the spiral instead of down. And the key here is to monitor your thoughts.  Know when your brain has too much down-time and act to engage it in what you're doing.  In the shower, focus on how wonderful the hot water feels, how great your new shower gel smells, and how much better your showtunes sound in the great acoustics of the bathroom.  In the car, focus on talking to your kids about their day, or even pop in a book on CD and start learning a new language.  Engagement in what you're doing is optimal, but even diversion can save you here.  I am a huge fan of podcasts.  And speaking of podcasts, you MUST listen to this fabulous TED Radio Hour about happiness.  There are four parts, so make sure you get all of them.  And if you've been hiding under a rock for the last two years, listen to this song as well. It never fails to lift my mood. 

So you see where I'm going, here?  Instead of letting your mind drift along with the current of your emotions, captain your ship upstream to something worth thinking about.  If you have the gospel library app you can listen to fifteen minutes of general conference every time you put on your makeup.  I have been doing this a lot lately.  It takes so little effort and it gives me such a lift.  

And if you go to the temple, pay attention to what's going on.  I've heard it makes a big difference.  :)

This is the sixth of seven posts on beating depression without meds, based heavily on Stephen S. Ilardi's The Depression Cure: The 6-Step Program to Beating Depression Without Drugs.  I highly recommend you read the whole book to learn how best to implement this revolutionary program.  Come back next week to learn how socializing can help you beat depression!

And just so you know...I'm not getting anything from NatureBright or from the publishers of The Depression Cure.  I just get a kick out of helping others beat depression.  Somehow it makes what I go through worthwhile.  Almost.  ;)

Beating Depression in Six Simple Steps: Sleep

This is the fifth of my seven posts on beating depression without meds.  Share any one of my posts in this series on Pinterest or Facebook, and then let me know you've done so by commenting here on the blog.  Each share is worth one entry, so if you share each of the seven articles on both sites, you'll be entered fourteen times.  On November 8, I will draw the name of one lucky reader out of a hat for the grand prize: a NatureBright Sun Touch Plus therapy lamp!

It's no secret that a lack of sleep can cause depression.  Ask any new mom how she's feeling, and right after she tells you what a joyful time it is, she might just burst into tears.  If you've ever gone through a period of sleep deprivation or if you've suffered from a sleep disorder you know it's true: lack of sleep messes with your mind.

The link between depression and sleep disorders is cyclical: loose too much sleep and you may start to feel depressed; feelings of fatigue and worthlessness make us less likely to get up on time, exercise, eat right and take our vitamins; the resulting poor health can make it even harder to sleep.

Breaking the cycle can be tough, but it's oh-so-worth it.  And the good news is, the other five steps in this program can really help--especially the sun lamp and the exercise.  The sun lamp gets your circadian rhythms synced up so that you're awake during the day and sleepy at night.  And exercise can significantly improve sleep patterns.

In his book, The Depression Cure: The 6-Step Program to Beat Depression Without Drugs Dr. Ilardi shares some great tips for sleeping better at night.  Here they are, with my commentary:

1.  Use the bed only for sleeping. This doesn't mean you need to kick your spouse out of bed.  ;) Actually there is a study showing that sex can help you sleep better--but that's the only exception to the rule.  This means that the more time we spend awake in bed, the weaker the associative link our brain has between bed and sleep.  So if you're in the habit of reading in bed, your brain won't do that great Pavlovian thing it's supposed to do when your head hits the pillow.  Read in the living room, then go to bed when you're sleepy, and then if you can't sleep after about fifteen minutes, get up and do some more reading.  This will help you program your brain to shut down as soon as you lie down.

2.  Get up at the same time every day.  This one can be brutal if you feel you're getting your best sleep right when you're "supposed" to be getting up.  And the temptation to catch up on sleep on weekends can be huge if you're sleep deprived.  But science is clear here.  Discipline yourself.  Use an alarm clock and especially use your sun lamp first thing when you wake up!  After just a few days, you'll find it easy to get up on time...and especially, go to sleep on time.

3.  Avoid napping.  Again, it's counterintuitive to give up sleep if you're dying for it.  But when you really think about it, you're lying awake at night because your body thinks  you've had enough.  Full disclosure, I nap most days of the week, but I always do it before three pm and always less than forty-five minutes.  And during bouts of insomnia, I start skipping naps until things are normal again.

4.  Avoid bright light at night.  Remember we're trying to condition the brain here, so this is one more trick.  Dim the lights before bedtime, make sure you don't have hall lights or night lights through the night, even wear a sleeping mask if you have to.

5.  Avoid caffeine and other simulants.  There are times when I love being a Mormon girl.  This is one of them.

6.  Avoid alcohol at night.  Ditto.

7.  Keep the same bedtime every night.   I struggle to be consistent here, so I can't tell you from personal experience how well it works.  But our body is a programmable clock.  So it makes sense that what we habitually do, is what our body will expect and go for.

8.  Turn down your thermostat at night.  Dr. Ilardi sites studies that we do sleep better when temperatures are just about five degrees cooler than we like it during the day.  We started doing this early in our marriage and it's been wonderful.  There's nothing like snuggling under the covers when it's just chilly enough to need covers.

9.  Avoid taking your problems to bed with you.  This one has been huge for me.  I almost always hop on the computer after the kids are in bed and try to get a little work done, but it's important to turn it off about an hour before bed and start to unwind and disconnect.  After that, it's mindless activities only, such as reading a novel or taking a shower.  If there are still things bothering my mind when we turn in, I tell TJ about them and let him convince me that everything is going to be okay.  Making a conscious effort to shelve your troubles before you go to bed helps you avoid worrying through the night.

10.  Don't try to fall asleep.  I first struggled with insomnia when I was a teen, right around the same time I got my first Indiglo watch.  I could look at it right before I drifted off, and anytime I was awake during the night I could figure out how much sleep I was missing and worry about it.  This turned out to be terrible for my sleep patterns.  After struggling with insomnia into my twenties, I decided to ditch the clock--which by this time had morphed into a night stand alarm clock.  Every night I set the alarm and then turned the face down.  It took self-control through the night not to check the time over and over, but I soon found myself sleeping better.  Don't psyche yourself out about sleep.  The more we stress about it, the less we'll be able to sleep well--so let it go.  If you're not sleeping, get up and read until you feel tired.  If you never do feel tired again until morning, be strong and get up anyway.  The second night after a sleepless one usually goes better if you can avoid the temptation the sleep in or nap.

Are you starting to see how the six steps of this program tie together?  You'll find that hard work in one area will have a ripple effect on the other ones, making it easier to use them all.  Sleep researcher Nancy Hamilton is quoted in The Depression Cure as saying of falling asleep, "All it takes is a tired body and a quiet mind."

Sweet dreams, my friends!

This is the fifth of seven posts on beating depression without meds, based heavily on Stephen S. Ilardi's The Depression Cure: The 6-Step Program to Beating Depression Without Drugs.  I highly recommend you read the whole book to learn how best to implement this revolutionary program. Come back next week and learn how to combat depression by avoiding rumination.  

And just so you know... I'm not getting anything from NatureBright or from the publishers of The Depression Cure.  I just get a kick out of helping others beat depression.  Somehow it makes what I go through worthwhile.  Almost.  ;)

Beating Depression in Six Simple Steps: Omega-3s

This is the fourth of my seven posts on beating depression without meds.  Share any one of my posts in this series on Pinterest or Facebook, and then let me know you've done so by commenting here on the blog.  Each share is worth one entry, so if you share each of the seven articles on both sites, you'll be entered fourteen times.  On November 8, I will draw the name of one lucky reader out of a hat for the grand prize: a NatureBright Sun Touch Plus therapy lamp!

If you could change your state of mind just by adding a dietary supplement, would you do it? Out of of the six steps outlined in Stephen Ilardi's The Depression Cure, the fish oil component is admittedly the least sexy.  But it's probably the easiest step, and, according the author, might even be the most powerful.

The media hype surrounding Omega-3s has mostly died down, leaving us with one more member of the nutritional pantheon to ignore/feel guilty about--but maybe it's worth remembering, after all. There are two big links between a lack of Omega-3s and depression:  1. Dopamine and serotonin production flag when we don't have a high enough intake of Omega-3s--and this compromises our neurons' ability to transmit and receive messages.  Basically, the brain is made of fat, and a lack of the right kind of fatty acids can cause it to misfire, which causes depression.  2.  A lack of Omega-3s can lead to rampant inflammation, which also is a contributor to depression.

If you hate the idea of swallowing a fish capsule every day, think hard about the alternatives.  You could actually eat fish, which is what our amazingly healthy Japanese friends do.  Two or three servings a day will do the trick.  But make sure it's farm-raised so you don't get a side dish of mercury and other post-industrialist byproducts.  And then there are plant-based oil capsules that work; however the only ones that contain the recommended amounts of DHA and EPA are not only crazy expensive, but they're formulated from algae.  So I don't know if that's going to help you get around the gross factor.

Best to just buck up and swallow that yellow goodness, my friends.  Here's how to start:

• Find a supplement that contains 1000 mg of EPA and 500 mg of DHA.
• Make sure it's "molecularly distilled" or "pharmaceutical grade."  This will save you from the chemicals ingested by fish in the wild and also from the chance that the manufacturers are giving you rancid oil.  Gross!
• You might have the occasional fishy burp.  Never fear!  Keep the pills in the freezer, and the delay in digestion should solve that problem.

It sounds so hard, but it's really so easy.  Way, way easier than slogging through your day at less than full capacity.  Pretend you are your own beloved child and make yourself take your vitamins.  You deserve to feel well.

This is fourth of seven posts on beating depression without meds, based heavily on Stephen S. Ilardi's The Depression Cure: The 6-Step Program to Beating Depression Without Drugs.  I highly recommend you read the whole book to learn how best to implement this revolutionary program.  Come back next week and learn how important sleep is to our mental health.

And just so you know...I'm not getting anything from NatureBright or from the publishers of The Depression Cure.  I just get a kick out of helping others beat depression.  Somehow it makes what I go through worthwhile.  Almost.  :)

Maybe They're Here for You: Hope for Home School Mamas

I suffer from clinical depression.  I home school my kids.  And before you go on, I need you to know that I'm what you'd call "high-functioning," which means I can fool most people into thinking everything's fine.  Even the kids don't usually notice my terrible days.  So don't worry, the kids are fine.  But I'm starting to see that the Adversary wants me to believe that it's a weakness to our family.

Two weeks ago, I had a really terrible day of home-schooling, and not really because anything in particular was going wrong.  I was just in terrible shape, mentally.

There are a few demons who like to buzz around my head when I'm tired, depressed or just weak, and they say the same things over and over.  "You're failing as a mom.  You're failing as a teacher.  Your kids would be better off in public school, just because they'd be away from you."  I bat at them half-heartedly, pushing through lessons, through power struggles with saucy tweens, through technology challenges, through messy rooms and undone laundry, and knowing that if I can hang on long enough, I can go to bed.

I'm not going to lie.  Depression and home school are unlikely and poorly-suited bedfellows.  When I'm really underwater, the people who love me most remind me that I can always send the kids back to public school.  If it provided me with a less stressful lifestyle, it might just help me stay mentally healthy more of the time.

Next year, my youngest will be old enough for kindergarten, and this brings my questions to the surface like nothing else could: is this really, really, really the very best thing for the kids?  Because, if not, I can see myself liking very much to spend six hours a day blissfully alone.  I see myself getting the groceries bought, the house cleaned, the budget balanced, and even having time to take a shower before they get home.  I see me staying on top of things that, lately, have been relegated to "Squeeze-it-in-Someday-Soon-I-Hope" list--like buying church clothes.  Ezra has been in need of church pants for at least three months, and finding the time to go with him to the store baffles me every week.  I see myself reading.  I see myself writing.  I see myself finally finishing my college degree.  I see myself finally getting good at yoga.  And I'm not gonna lie, I see myself eating a lot of food with gluten, eggs, and dairy.  So yes, I'd gain weight pretty quick.

This vision of complete introverted bliss tempts me.  The nasty mom-guilt torments me.  And some days I question why I'm even doing home school.  Maybe I should have sent them to public school this year, I think. Maybe it's too late for them and they'll suffer all their lives because their mother had delusions of grandeur. Maybe I'm wrong for home school and home school is wrong for me.

So, back to my story, it was a day to be endured.  I was batting at the demons, pushing for bedtime, and thinking, I'm not doing these kids any good at all.

And the Spirit said, "maybe you're not here for them.  Maybe they're here for you."

I felt free for the first time in many, many days.  And I saw my amazing kids more clearly than ever. God created them to be a joy to me, and they truly, truly are.  They are smart.  They are funny. They are compassionate.  They are wise.

What would my daily life be like if they weren't here with me?  Who would hug and kiss me when I felt hopeless inside?  And really, why would I even get out of bed on those hard days?  The love I have for these kids motivates me to fight my depression, to fight my demons.  I might not even try if they weren't here to try for.

Our culture talks a lot about the challenges of parenting, about the pain of parenting, about the stress of parenting.  And if you home school your kids, just get ready for all the pats on the back you get for being such a perfect parent.  You really start to believe that you are the most saintly martyr in the world for giving up so much for the sake of your children.

And it's true.  I've made sacrifices for these kids.  All moms do.  But I've fallen too often into the trap of believing that it's my job to provide them with happiness.  And forget about the fact that the weight of such responsibility is too heavy for any mortal shoulders, and that Christ himself is the giver of all good things--I have forgotten that my kids are here for me just as much as I am here for them.

I had a bit of a meltdown today, and the kids surrounded me with hugs, kisses, and offers of help with my work.  I hate being in that position--I really want to be the strong one for them, to be a good example of strength and courage.  But really, why?  In a world of entitlement and narcissism, my kids stand a chance a good chance of growing up with some compassion.

God knew what He was doing when He called me to this work, weak and mortal as I am.  In fact, maybe the calling was extended before this life even began--to the kids.

Beating Depression in Six Simple Steps: Exercise

This is the third of my seven posts on beating depression without meds.  Share any one of my posts in this series on Pinterest or Facebook, and then let me know you've done so by commenting here on the blog.  Each share is worth one entry, so if you share each of the seven articles on both sites, you'll be entered fourteen times.  On November 8, I will draw the name of one lucky reader out of a hat for the grand prize: a NatureBright Sun Touch Plus therapy lamp!

You knew it was going to come up, right?  Because everyone from Dr. Phil to Dr. Who is recommending we exercise more.  Well, I'm sure you're not surprised that exercise is on the list of things that can prevent and even reverse depression.  I do have a surprise for you, though.  Just a little bit of exercise each week can make a huge difference here.  And that's good news for folks like me who would rather not exercise.  Ever.

It's an ongoing joke with all my siblings that we only run if we're being chased by a bear.  That's why I really really need this bumper sticker.

But even though I don't run, and I've never participated in organized sports, I do move my body voluntarily sometimes.  I love yoga.  I love biking.  I love hiking.  And those three things are enough to help me beat depression most of the time.  Just like my brother Spencer says,

  "Get your body moving, and your brain will catch up."

It's a little mind-blowing to imagine that pharmaceuticals costing our economy billions of dollars to design, produce and market can so easily be replaced and even surpassed.  But it's true: according to The Depression Cure and dozens of studies backing it up, moderate exercise just three times a week shows better results than anti-depressant medications.  Dr. Ilardi cites one such study of 156 depressed patients, all sadly out of shape, half of whom were prescribed exercise, and the other half Zoloft.  The exercise required was almost laughable: they took a brisk half-hour walk three times a week.  At first the treatments showed about equal amounts of improvement, but at about ten months, those who were exercising were "much more likely than those taking Zoloft to remain depression-free."  Dr. Ilardi continues:

Over a dozen clinical trials now show that exercise can effectively treat depression... [because] exercise actually changes the brain.  Like an antidepressant medication, it increases the activity of important brain chemicals like serotonin and dopamine.  It also stimulates the brain's release of a key growth hormone (BDNF), which in turn helps reverse the toxic, brain-damaging effects of depression.  It even sharpens memory and concentration, and helps us think more clearly.  Simply put, exercise is medicine--one that effects the brain more powerfully than any drug.

I can't tell you how happy I was to find that I could make a powerful impact on my mental health just by exercising an hour and a half a week.  I began to see that opportunities to squeeze in half-hour chunks of exercise were relatively easy to find.  Twice a week I hop on my bike for a half-hour spin, and once a week, I attend an hour-long yoga class--thus becoming an athletic overachiever by one half hour.  And for a certified couch potato, I have to say to my fellow loungers--I feel better physically, too.  My back and my tricky wrist don't hurt anymore, and I sleep better at night. Exercise is better for your mind and for your body--who knew, right?  :)

So I've convinced you it's worth a shot, yes?  Here are some basic steps for getting started:

• Choose an activity: your target heart rate should be between 60%-90% of the maximum heart rate for your age.  Check out an online chart if you want to be precise, but basically you want to be breathing a little harder and sweating--but not feeling like you want to die.  Which is why I don't run.  It should be something you already enjoy or something that sounds fun to you.  I also recommend it be something that won't require a total overhaul of your budget or finances--this way it'll be easy to start and stick to.  However, if a little money is required for the plan you really love, I encourage you to go for it.  After all, what wouldn't you give up to feel well again?  The sacrifice will pay off quickly and for a long time.  The bike TJ surprised me with almost ten years ago still blesses my life in a big way.
• Make a plan and get loved ones to help: ideally, you want to break up your ninety minutes of exercise throughout the week.  I like to bike early and late in the week, with my yoga class right in the middle. Get your family and friends on board here.  TJ knows how much better I feel when I go, so he totally supports me in this.  Even when I'm tempted to be lazy, he pushes me out the door.  But since he makes dinner on my yoga night, I am pretty motivated to get out of the way and let him do his thing.
• Make it fun: If you must run, at least do it with friends.  (Okay, last jab at runners, I promise. The truth is you make me feel super-insecure because you're awesome.)  But really, we all know that we're more likely to roll out of bed and head for the gym if we know someone we love is expecting us there.  Join forces.  It'll bless your life and theirs.  Also, it should go without saying that you shouldn't plan on an activity that bores you--but depression patients are gluttons for punishment and we often make plans that sound terrible even to us.  Think hard about what would fun for you and do that.  And don't forget that integrating a sense of purpose will make it more fun and fulfilling, too.  Gardening will give you sunshine and fresh air in the bargain, and you'll be crossing off stuff on your to-do list.

Friends, I hope you'll remember this little article when the going gets tough for you.  Exercise is often touted as a cure-all--and that's because it really is one--but don't let it become white noise for you. While it takes years for you to enjoy the fact that you're not dying of heart disease, exercising today will help you feel happier today.  Go out and try it, and take along someone you love.

This is the third of seven posts on beating depression without meds, based heavily on Stephen S. Ilardi's The Depression Cure: The 6-Step Program to Beating Depression Without Drugs.  I highly recommend you read the whole book to learn how best to implement this revolutionary treatment program.  Come back next week and learn how incorporating Omega-3s into your diet can help you win this battle.

And just so you know...I'm not getting anything from NatureBright or from the publishers of The Depression Cure.  I just get a kick out of helping others beat depression.  Somehow it makes what I go through worthwhile.  Almost.  :)

Beating Depression in Six Simple Steps: Light Therapy

This is the second of seven posts on beating depression without meds.  Share any one of my posts in this series on Pinterest or Facebook, and then let me know you've done so by commenting here on the blog.  Each share is worth one entry, so if you share each of the seven articles on both sites, you'll be entered fourteen times.  On November 8 I will draw the name of one lucky reader out of a hat for the grand prize: a NatureBright Sun Touch Plus therapy lamp!  

Who here remembers that '90s TV show, "Northern Exposure?"  Well, to be honest, I don't remember much of it either, because mom usually made us go to bed too early.  But the one episode I can recall centers on an Alaskan villager diagnosed with seasonal depression who is prescribed a light visor.  He goes around wearing it all the time and ends up so chipper that his friends decide he's overdosing--and they take it away.   My highly pragmatic mother (she of the early bedtimes) thought this was ludicrous.  "When was the last time you heard of someone getting too much sunshine," she asked.  "No way can you overdose on a light visor."  And as usual, mom was right.

Depression exists on a spectrum that ranges from the persistent (and sometimes even dangerous) symptoms of major depression, all the way down to the euphemistically labeled "winter blues," which about 20% of Americans report experiencing.  Wherever you or your loved one falls on this scale, the six steps Stephenen Ilardi outlines in The Depression Cure can improve matters.  We'll start with the light therapy, which consists of a vitamin D supplement as well as adequate exposure to bright light.

Why Light Therapy?
Light therapy is probably the most important element of our six steps to sufferers of Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD), because it goes to the heart of the problem: our brains and bodies need sunlight in order to function properly, and we don't get much of it in the winter.  Long story short: optical exposure to the kind of bright light produced on a cloudless, sunny day stimulates serotonin production, which increases feelings of well-being. Feeling better increases our likelihood of reaching out in social settings, which also increases feelings of well-being--and yes, social interaction is one of our six steps.  Light therapy also helps combat insomnia, a common symptom of SAD, and guess what--proper sleep is another of our six steps.  As you'll see in future posts, these steps are tightly interwoven so that they look less like steps and more like lifestyle.

A few years back, I had read The Depression Cure and was convinced that a light box would help me, but I just couldn't bring myself to pony up the $80 or more to get one.  After all, could it really make a big enough difference to justify the cost?  I dithered about it for a few months, and that's when my hero of a husband came in, surpising me with a NatureBright Sun Touch Plus for Christmas.

The effects were almost immediate, and honestly, they continue to be immediate.  The light box has become my first line of defense against depression, seasonal and otherwise.  Every time I feel myself sliding, I know I need to be more consistent about using it--and I always feel better within forty-eight hours of starting to use it again.

The light box is also phenomenal for sorting out circuaidian rhythms, which program our bodies to feel sleepy or awake at certain times.  Anytime I'm struggling with insomnia, or even when I want to start waking up earlier in the day--I start using the lamp first thing every morning.  I feel more awake all day; and then I sleep better at night, too.

Where Do I Start?
First you need to decide whether you even need a light box, because some people are able to get all the light they need just by being outside.  30 minutes of bright light is optimal, but keep in mind that we're talking about the bright light you get outside on a sunny, cloudless day.  The angle of the light is also important.  If you have ever visted St. George, Utah, you would say--with most of my family and friends--that I really shouldn't need a light box.  It never gets terribly cold, and it's sunny most days of the year.  But during the winter, taking time to be outside when the sun is high enough and bright enough can be a real challenge.  I love the convenience and consistency of the light box.

So assuming it's tough for you to get out in the winter, your first step is to get your hands on a good light box.  If you're still not convinced that it will help, see if you can borrow one.  And keep in mind that most sellers offer a money-back guarantee.  If you don't start feeling significantly better, you can always send it back.

Dr. Ilardi recommends a light box that emits at least 10,000 lux, positioned slightly above the head. Start with a half hour of exposure each morning, and then move down to fifteen minutes as you start feeling better.

During spells of terrible depression when even getting out of bed seems impossible, I put the light box right on the night stand.  Then all I have to do is turn it on and I'm on my way to feeling better. I'm doing pretty well mentally right now--so I have enough stamina to make it out of bed and all the way into the kitchen, where I have this setup:

(This is a great opportunity to get scripture study done first thing in the morning, too.) 

Also, don't forget your vitamin D supplement.  Depending on your doctor's recommendations, start at 2,000 IU of D3, and go up from there.

Christmas is Coming
Maybe you're just positive that a loved one needs one of these--and you're equally positive that they'll never buy it for themselves.  My dear friend's story is a lot like mine.  She wanted one, but her sick little mind told her that it might not be worth the expense.  A friend of hers heard about it, and soon a light box showed up on her doorstep.  She felt better within days.

I hope you will seriously consider finding a way to get this into the hands of someone who needs it, especially if you are that person. One lucky reader will win a free NatureBright light box just by sharing this post on social media!

This is the second of seven posts on beating depression without meds, based heavily on Stephen S. Ilardi's The Depression Cure: The 6-Step Program to Beating Depression Without Drugs.  I highly recommend you read the whole book to learn how best to implement this revolutionary treatment program.  Come back next week and learn how exercise out-performs anti-depressants. 

And just so you know...I'm not getting anything from NatureBright or from the publishers of The Depression Cure.  I just get a kick out of helping others beat depression.  Somehow it makes what I go through worthwhile.  Almost.  :)

Beat Depression in 6 Simple Steps...Without Medication

The geese and ducks are starting to go south, and if you battle seasonal depression like I do...so is everything else.  Actually, depression is a condition I manage on an ongoing basis--but winter makes it worse.  So every fall I gear up for the winter by reviewing my mental health checklist, and especially by turning on my light therapy lamp.

That's why I contacted NatureBright this week to see if they would donate a lamp for my giveaway.   I know it's a great product because I use it all the time.  And thanks to their generosity, I get to put one of these sweet babies in the hands of  a lucky reader--to use for herself or to give to someone she loves.

Lately I've been spending the first half of every day wanting to sleep, or cry, or both.  Whichever comes first, really.  And though it's a little early for SAD to kick in, it's not off the charts.  So as I am reviewing and re-implementing mental health basics that have saved me over and over again, I thought I'd share them with you.

So are we talking about the winter blues, seasonal depression, or major depressive disorder?  The answer is...yes!  They share the same causes, symptoms, and treatments, so--all of the above.  If you're reading this article in the middle of summer, don't throw the baby out with the bathwater.  The practices outlined here improve overall mental health, period--so whether you get slightly blue from time to time or whether you suffer constantly from the enormous weight of major depression, this post is for you.

I found these pearls in The Depression Cure: The 6-Step Program to Beat Depression Without Drugs, written by Stephen S. Ilardi.  If you've been to this blog with any regularity, you know that I want everyone in the world to read this book.  For those who haven't had the time to read it yet, and more importantly, for those of you who are in such tough shape you can't bring yourself to pick it up--and no judgement, because I've soooo been there--I've decided to spend the next six weeks discussing Ilardi's six steps to mental health.

The book is heavily based on research conducted on modern hunter-gatherer societies, noting a marked absence of symptoms indicating depression.  When we contrast the hardships suffered by these groups with the ease and prosperity enjoyed by the typical American, it is strange to report that Americans are the ones who suffer from depression!  These findings lead researchers to formulate a treatment plan based on the hunter-gatherer lifestyle including: dietary omega-3 fatty acids, engaging activity, physical exercise, social support, adequate sleep, and sunlight exposure.  For many people missing only one or two of these elements, addressing just those is enough to affect powerful and lasting change.  We'll spend time on each of these elements in coming weeks here on the blog.

But first, here's my caveat: anti-depressant medications are sometimes the very best first step on the road back to mental health.  They were life savers for me, and I've talked to many who have felt the same way.  If you've found medication that works for you, then there's really no reason to look elsewhere.  I am writing this post because many, like me, come to a point where the medication no longer works well enough to make them willing to put up with the side effects.  I will also say that the steps I will outline consistently out-perform medication in terms of resulting wellness.  But it takes practice and sometimes a little money to develop these life habits.  In the meantime, I am in full support of whatever you can do to feel well.  You deserve to be healthy.

This is the first of seven post on beating depression without meds.  Come back next week and learn how beneficial light therapy can be for depression, and especially for SAD.  And...don't forget to share!  

Share any one of my posts in this series on depression on Pinterest or Facebook, and then let me know you've done so by commenting here on the blog.  Each share is worth one entry, so if you share each of the seven articles on both sites, you'll be entered fourteen times.  

And just so you know...I'm not getting anything from NatureBright or from the publishers of The Depression Cure.  I just get a kick out helping others beat depression.  Somehow it makes what I go through worthwhile.  Almost.  :)

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Post edit:  The Sun Touch Lamp Giveaway concluded in the fall.  But feel free to share anyway.  :)