Overwhelmed at Home? Ask Yourself Three Questions.

In our church, each of the women is assigned a teaching companion and a few women in the ward to watch over and serve.  It's called Visiting Teaching, because a big part of this service takes place in a monthly visit in each sister's home during which we can talk together about the gospel of Jesus Christ.  Like most women in the LDS church I am both a visiting teacher and a visiting teachee. And when I am tempted to think that my role in the lives of those I teach is minimal, or that I am taking up too much of their time, or that I have nothing to give, I try to remember all the visiting teachers who have blessed my life over the years.  

Betty Owen was one such friend.  Three or four years ago, I was overwhelmed as a mom and suffering from depression and anxiety. She showed enough sincere concern and love that I was able to open up about my feelings of guilt, inadequacy, and incredible fatigue.  Betty gave me some of the best advice I've ever received--advice so good that I often call it to mind when I feel I'm over-committed, overworked, and overwhelmed.  She told me to ask myself the following questions:

"Why am I doing this?"

"Why am I doing this?"

and

"Why am I doing this?"

Does it seem like the same question over and over?  It's not.  

The first question helps me examine whether or not I'm spending my time on something that matters at all.  I can think of several things I do each day that are completely pointless.  I'm not talking about a long bath (which rests and refreshes me), or chilling on the couch with TJ (which helps us connect and strengthen our relationship)--I'm talking about things that are obviously wasting my time or even just making me unhappy.  Facebook is an easy target here, but not the only one.  I've also come to realize that there are TV shows and movies that aren't worth my time--especially if they seem to alienate the Spirit.  Free time is too precious to waste on something that doesn't make me happier.

The second question encourages me to think objectively about whether I could meet the same ends in a different way.  So say we have guests coming this weekend and I'm tempted to go a little OCD with menu plans and a fabulously clean house.  But what's the object of the visit?  Are they coming to see Pinterest-worthy rooms and meals, or are they coming to see me?  If I really focus on the end goal, I get ready for guests by getting the house as clean as I can within reason and having a few good ideas about food that don't take a ton of shopping or cooking.  Then I can really enjoy the visit as much as my guests deserve.  And what about obviously worthwhile projects and pursuits that are (equally obviously) too time-consuming for me?   This year, it looks like we're just not going to have a garden. I want one.  I love gardening.  But if it's the straw that's going to break this back, I'm not willing to do it. If it's actually stressing or tiring me out to the point that it would be better to buy the fresh produce, then so be it.  

Question number three is the big one.  There are seven people in this family, which means there is a lot of work to be done--but it also means that there are a lot of workers to do it.  Seems so simple, doesn't it?  Haha!  If you're a parent, you know it's simple but not easy.  You kind of have to be forced to give up on the dream of perfectly-done chores.  Sometime after the birth of my little number five, I realized that windows that get washed today (even if they're not perfect) are better than windows that I would do perfectly one of these days.  Delegate, my friends.  Your kids will fight it, but fight back.  Be smart about it.  Find what matters to them and make it worth their while.  For instance, we always hold a quick cleanup right before breakfast and lunch.  If they want to eat, they have to clean up.  Also, my kids are expected to do a half-hour of chores before they play with friends each day.  That effectively eliminates the vacuuming, the bathrooms, and most of folding laundry, as well as odd jobs here and there.  Some days I just would rather do it myself--and the great thing is that on those days, the kids are thanking me for the reprieve.  

Jeffery R. Holland taught in his landmark talk on mental illness:

In preventing illness whenever possible, watch for the stress indicators in yourself and in others you may be able to help. As with your automobile, be alert to rising temperatures, excessive speed, or a tank low on fuel. When you face “depletion depression,” make the requisite adjustments. Fatigue is the common enemy of us all—so slow down, rest up, replenish, and refill. Physicians promise us that if we do not take time to be well, we most assuredly will take time later on to be ill.

If you are a home school mom

If you suffer from depression or anxiety

If you are struggling with health or financial difficulties

If you are facing trials of any sort

If you are feeling overwhelmed in your calling as a parent, I urge you to remember and ask yourselves these questions.  They've given me a perspective on parenting that makes a daily difference in my life.  And thanks, Betty.  You're the best.