He Gives Me Hope

It has been an interesting couple of weeks.  I have been in pain, but there has been a swelling of hope to carry me through.  And I've been enlightened on things I thought I already had a firm grasp of.

Right after I posted my magical formula for mental wellness on Facebook, I started drowning again. I cried in the morning.  I cried at night.  And in my prayers, I cried out in frustration and pleading. Why, after all these years, am I still wrestling with depression?  I thought I had already slain this beast!  How many times must I experience the disappointment of failure after the elation of success?

Maybe, I asked myself, in the remotest corner of my mind, maybe I'm just lazy?  Maybe, with all my openness about my condition, and all the many people who love and support me through it, I have allowed depression to be what we all fear it will become: a crutch.

For days this question hovered over me, until one dark night, I had to voice it and see what would happen.  And as always, TJ was there to hear my darkest fear and to defend me against it.

He was the first of many voices raised in my defense during this time.  One particularly tough morning I spent about an hour in my room trying to put myself together in time for home school. As I prayed, an inarticulate wish issued from my heart that a friend would reach out to me.  TJ was morally obligated to love and support me, and so were my parents and siblings.  But my sick mind reasoned that if someone outside that circle could show concern, I might feel that I was worth something to the world at large.

Within two hours the Lord sent two loving friends to me with messages of love, validation, and encouragement.  One showed up with a sugar cookie and a long note of thanks for my friendship, emphasizing how she felt the Lord must be pleased with me.  When I asked later how she had known I needed help that day, she said she had received a distinct impression that I needed to hear from her. Then TJ's cousin called out of the blue.  We are about as close as two distantly related women can be, who see each other only every one or two years--and I mean that without sarcasm.  So to have a long phone conversation with her about my struggles was uplifting as it was unique.

Their message?  That I am not failing.  That I am doing good, in spite of, and maybe even because of this weakness.  That the Lord is pleased with how hard I try.  And that it's making me into a better person.

Two other friends I've heard from in the past two weeks have been Chad Webb and Elder Jeffery R. Holland, speaking in separate meetings with seminary teachers and spouses.  So, full disclosure, they weren't speaking to me personally.  But it felt that way.  Elder Holland's strength and conviction and tenderness sank deep into my soul and gave me strength, as it always does.  Brother Webb's teachings on the Atonement surprised me by offering a completely new perspective.  He quoted a conference talk by Merrill J. Bateman called "A Pattern for All"

For many years I thought of the Savior’s experience in the garden and on the cross as places where a large mass of sin was heaped upon Him. Through the words of Alma, Abinadi, Isaiah, and other prophets, however, my view has changed. Instead of an impersonal mass of sin, there was a long line of people, as Jesus felt “our infirmities” (Heb. 4:15), “[bore] our griefs, … carried our sorrows … [and] was bruised for our iniquities” (Isa. 53:4–5).

Mind.  Blown.  I have been taught all my life that Jesus Christ bore my sins, infirmities, griefs and even sicknesses, and yet when I heard this quote, my vision expanded.  Christ really does completely remember what it's like to be in my shoes.  And that means that I am not alone.

Not being alone means that Jesus Christ is sending help every day.  It means He inspires loved ones to help in ways that are meaningful to me.  It means that He teaches TJ the perfect words to say that will help me to heal, time after time after time--and it means that He will strengthen TJ to bear the weight of my sickness so he can always be there for me.  It means that He is pleading for my redemption before the Father.  It means that he is suffering beside me, and when the Father sees fit to give me a respite from the pain, Christ is bearing the whole of it.

Jesus Christ gives me hope.  I may never be completely whole in my lifetime.  I will most certainly experience the joys and sorrows of mortality in one form or another, until my earthly mission is fulfilled.  But in the meantime, these struggles are not in vain.  If they do nothing else, they humble me and show me His hand in my life.  And that truly makes it all worthwhile.

#500DAYSOFWAITING

My friend Katie Coleman has been waiting for her legally adopted daughters to come 

home for way over a year, and you can help.  Please sign the petition.

I'm re-posting her latest blog entry here with her permission.

http://rillalev.blogspot.com/2015/02/holding-our-breath.html

Tonight I asked TJ why I was so tired.  He replied, "Because you're so gorgeous.  That kind of beauty takes a lot of beauty sleep."

I kissed him like a well-rested woman would.  

Heaven is Here

Have you read this book?  If you read it when it came out three years ago, have you picked it up yet again?  

This week I was struggling with my old enemy, and I reached for hope when I picked this friend up off the bookshelf.  I am so glad that I did, because my heart feels shiny and new again.  

Here is an excerpt from my journal when I first read the book:

"I admit that I chose motherhood out of a sense of duty and felt I was unqualified for anything grand as a real career.  My faith has hinted that there is so much more to my role--but I have gone about the business of raising a family with an astonishing lack of vision.  Today, on my knees, I felt the spirit testify that I am not 'just a mom--' but a beloved daughter of God with a mission to save souls.

"My thoughts return again to Stephanie's powerful example and perspective.  Even before the accident, she treasured the small joys and pleasures of daily family life: wet baby kisses, little girl giggles, the unexpected turns of a child's mind, stolen romantic moments, beautiful sunsets.  These little moments occur constantly in my blessedly home-centered life.  What worldly ambitions, accolades, or luxuries would I trade them for?  What distractions do I allow to crowd them out?

"Today as I knelt in gratitude, I shed tears of joy--then, opening my eyes, wiped my glasses clean.  My vision gets smudgy and unclear as I rub up against slobbery kids all day.  but as I draw closer to my Father in Heaven, I know he'll help me see a little better every day."

I Am Doing It

Lately I have been feeling that I sit down to the computer a dozen times a day for no good reason.  I am drawn to its shiny connectivity, and find myself checking email far more often than there is anything worth reading.  I have even been frustrated with Facebook's lack of new content.  I know. That's very, very sad.

It's not like I have nothing to do around here.  I've been telling myself for months and years, really, that I'm far too busy to do family history.  But the dead end in  my family tree has become less and less acceptable since Ezra turned twelve and inherited responsibility for it.  (The brethren really knew what they were doing when they assigned family history to the youth--those of us slow to heed the call in general conference will eventually give in to our own children.  I mean, really, who say no to a cute kid asking for help with family history?)  So today I finally sat down to see what I could do.  I had to call the help desk, but by the end of the twenty-minute call, I was well on my way.  In another five or ten minutes, I had printed up my very first Family Ordinance Request.  Ezra, excited by my success, did a little more work on one of my lines, and printed his own request, and then tried his hand at indexing.  

I was not prepared for the elation I've felt all day.  The brethren have taught us that the internet can be a colossal waste of time--or--help us hasten the work.  Turns out, hastening the work is way more fun than wasting time colossally.  

Anniversary Trip

Cabin in Oak Grove

Canyoneering at Yankee Doodle

B&B at in Rockville

 

In Other News...

Nikki and Derek were able to come down for ten days over BYU-I's Spring Break.  It was so great to have them!  We got to do several big group activities, like swimming, the egg hunt, family dinners, and a LOTR marathon (Ezra's first, and a special treat because he just finished the books.)  But to me the visit was really at its peak when Nikki and Derek came (by themselves) to our house for dinner.  Having a few hours one on one with Nikki was exactly what I was craving, and it made me so happy.  

Since 2006 when I was making plans for our first house, I have always wanted to do a gallery wall.  I've put it off forever because it's sooooo hard to do.  But last week, I finally got it done!  This project took probably about fifty hours total.   I bought frames and other fun stuff at DI, yard sales, and Walmart.  I spray painted until the fumes made me dizzy.  I pored over, edited, ordered and framed a few dozen pictures.  Finally, (and this is the part I'm really proud of, because I'm pretty sure I invented this technique) I took a picture of the wall, and then took pictures of the framed pictures from the same distance.  I laminated the picture of the wall and cut out each little object, then spent two hours arranging and rearranging them until I had the perfect configuration.  Then TJ spent all of Saturday morning getting it all up there.  Along with the fantastic gallery wrap of Georgia's St. George Temple, this wall completes the room!  I am so happy with it.  

 Alisha, my good friend from high school, college and Alaska, just gave birth to sweet little Everlyn!  I got to attend the blessing today given by her dad, Todd.  It was so wonderful to be there.

I finally got sick of sun headaches, so I finally took the plunge and bought my first cabanna hat.  Then I spent a whole afternoon by the pool with Georgia to see if it was effective.  You know, anything for science.  And...no headache!  Pretty sure I'll never do another summer without one of these things!  (Also, my new prescription sunglasses are on their way!)

I finally got sick of my glitchy old phone and bought a new one--like, brand new, not just new to me!!! crazy, right?-- with all my plasma money and birthday money put together.  It's a Samsung Zoom. Instead of a phone with a camera on it, it's a camera with a phone on it! Georgia says it's almost as nice as her amazingly awesome $900 camera; it has 10x optical zoom and 20 megapixels, and even has f-stop and shutter speed settings in case I ever get fancy. And the phone is a really fantastic smart phone that does everything I ask it to and never runs out of batteries!  (Also, I'm still not paying for data.  I just use wifi for all my apps since I'm almost always here at home.)  I'm in total technology heaven right now.


(Parenthetically, I'm just noticing that this post has a lot of parenthesis in it.)